Kinky sex—you might like it

"What can I do to liven things up a bit in my relationship? Now, please understand, I'm not into anything kinky."

This questions often means, "Actually, I'd love to do something kinky, but I'm afraid. People might think I'm weird." Or, "I'm not actually sure what kink is, but I'm curious." Or, "I'm already doing a bit of kink but would like your permission to do more of it and/or get better at it."

Herewith is both a bucketload of permission and some great news: You get to decide what kinky means to you and you get to do as much of that as you like. The possibilities are endless! Kink, also referred to as BDSM, means Bondage and Discipline/Dominance and Submission/Sadism and Masochism. If you're wondering what happened to the term "S&M", the newer term BDSM was formed out of it to be a more inclusive phrase. Not every kinkster is a sadist or a masochist, so the term S&M was inadvertently lumping people into categories they didn't identify with. In fact, the limitations of the term S&M are probably the reason some people believe that all BDSM involves pain. The truth is, a huge percentage of kinky people aren't into pain. Another myth is that kink must involve a master/slave dynamic. This is totally hot stuff for those who like it, but it's definitely not true for everyone.

Kink can be something you do all by yourself or with a partner or partners. Solo kinky activities might include masturbating to naughty school girl porn, or running ice cubes along your body and delighting in the shockingly cool sensation. (Can you see how you might already be incorporating kink into your everyday sex without knowing it?) There is also a big difference between a kinky act and living a kinky lifestyle. Like anything else, the more time you put into something, the more it shapes your world—ask any consummate painter or virtuoso pianist. Some people like their kink incorporated into their daily lives, while others like to keep kinky play in the bedroom. The choice is yours.

Solo kinky play is one of the safest, easiest ways to experiment with new things you might enjoy. When you add a lover or play partner into the mix, you'll want to be mindful of a few important guidelines.

Safe, Sane and Consensual

Safe

Some might think that because you are playing with things that have a sense of "danger" to them, like spanking or bondage (tying/restraining someone) that BDSM is inherently unsafe. This isn't true. Think of kink like you would sports, or any other high intensity physical activity. Before dancing a ballet, you'd rehearse the piece with your partner and do the necessary warm up stretches. Before playing in a football game, you'd put on the appropriate protective gear and learn the plays. Similarly, different kinky activities require different levels of skill, practice and safety precautions. If you don't know what you are doing, don't do it. Ask someone who does to show you. Kinky people are known for their helpfulness and willingness to share skills and safety tips.
Sane

This means you are of sound mind and not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. An intensely kinky friend of mine produces large kinky events. He has one rule, "Don't do anything stupid." Obviously, if you are drunk or high, the odds of you doing something stupid rise dramatically. But the emotional component is just as important. As with all erotic activities, kinky play can produce powerful emotions. So if your cat just died, or you just went through a break up, or if you've recently had some other kind of traumatic experience, think carefully about whether or not this is the best time to try some new kinky activity.
Consensual

Consent is crucial to every relationship and every sexual act—kinky or not. Given the edgy nature of kinky play, it becomes even more important to obtain and maintain consent. Obtaining consent is the easier part. Have a conversation before trying something new and make sure you get an enthusiastic and unequivocal "yes" from your partner. If you think your partner might not agree to something, it is even more necessary that you talk to them about it first. If you don't get an enthusiastic yes (a maybe means no!), leave the activity for another day and/or plan time to have a more in-depth discussion before trying it out. Maintaining consent requires mindfulness and a willingness to keep the lines of communication open throughout the entire encounter (referred to as a "scene" in kinky-speak). Maintaining consent means that a person can change their mind at any point. You could ask your partner: "How's this feeling?" Or, "Do you need to take a break?" One of the most basic ways to maintain consent is the use of a "safeword". The receiving partner (sometimes called the "bottom" or the "submissive") chooses a word or words that would usually never be uttered in an erotic encounter to indicate how they feel about what's happening. Some of the easiest and most popular safewords are based on traffic light colors (red, yellow, green).

Green = "Oh, yes! More please!" (In practice, the word "green" is seldom used. "Oh yes! Yes Yes!" is usually a perfectly clear communication.)

Yellow = "I'm getting close to my limit," and/or "Could we slow down please?"

Red = "Stop!" When you hear "red", all play stops immediately. This may mean the scene is over, or it may mean that play can continue again when whatever went wrong has been made right. There is no shame in safewording! In fact, a dear friend of mine says that if she isn't safewording occasionally she isn't getting the most out of her play.

Let's play!

Now that you've got safety, sanity and consent in place, it's time to play. You can start with a selection of sex toys, sensation toys and restraints. These can include anything from vibrators to dildos, feathers to handcuffs. Go to your local sex toy store or online retailer for ideas. Pick a sex toy vendor that suits your style. A hard core leather shop may be just what turns you on. Or it may feel too intimidating. If you're new to shopping for sex toys—kinky or otherwise, online or in-person—you might like Babeland or Good Vibrations. They have a wide variety of toys in an equally wide variety of styles and prices, plus a staff trained in sex education.