The Edge

Human beings crave new experiences—and often increasingly intense experiences—as they grow and make their way through an infinitely varied world. You know the old cliche "Variety is the spice of life?" Let's take this spice analogy literally. The first time you splashed hot-sauce on your food you may have turned your lunch into an impossible-to-eat inferno. But years later, after becoming accustomed to a wide range of spicy flavors and enjoying them more frequently, you might relish eating an entire jalapeƱo pepper. Sexual adventuring is a very similar process. Let's look at ways to explore your sensual and sexual edge.

Don't Rush Things

When exploring new territory, people often try to go from zero to sixty with little or no warm up or build up. Returning to the spice analogy. . . you wouldn't drink an entire bottle of Tabasco sauce if you've never tasted it before, right? The same principle applies when approaching your sexual edge. Don't rush it! Take your time. Enjoy the journey from fantasy to reality. Perhaps your hottest fantasy is having a threesome. Maybe you've always longed to explore the wonders of anal sex. Start slowly. Any erotic activity can be approached in a series of manageable steps. Don't try to play out your entire fantasy on the first try. Do a little research and take baby steps, especially if your fantasy involves a partner.


Avoid the all-too-common pitfall of diving into a new erotic activity without consulting with your partner and establishing boundaries. For example, let's look at the hot fantasy of a threesome, i.e., sensual/sexual intimacy between three people at one time. If you want to explore this with your partner, they obviously have to be in on the idea. They also have to consent to it—and with at least a perceptible measure of enthusiasm. How might you start a conversation about this? Begin by doing some preliminary research on non-monogamy and what it means to open up a relationship before bringing up the topic with your partner. Assuming they also want to explore a threesome, you'll want to have more than one conversation about your needs and fears about opening up your relationship to include a third person. That brings us to the next step: How to have these discussions.


Negotiation is a key part of life. Being a social creature requires the need to communicate, compromise and recognize the gives and takes that make all relationships work. This is true in your job and with your family and friends, as well as with lovers and partners. Now that you've done some research about the edge you want to explore and had a conversation in which you and your partner(s)—or playmates—have had a chance to voice their feelings about what you've suggested, hopefully everyone feels cared for and listened to. Now it's time to work out the details. Three of the most basic rules for successful—and sexy—negotiations are: 1) be respectful of everyone's feelings; 2) don't nag or try to coerce anyone into doing something they don't want to do; and 3) be open to compromise. For more detailed tips on negotiating erotic scenarios, check out Barbara Carrellas' newest book Ecstasy is Necessary! For information specific to opening up relationships, pick up Tristan Taormino's wonderful book, Opening Up.

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